Such Freedom

Lately life has been such a joy.... I have always loved my life, but I have felt more freedom lately. I'm not sure how to explain it or how to even really think it through. I know that I have gone through parts of my life controled by others. Whether you call it abused, manipulated, or what it happened. During those times without knowing it you lose your individuality. Over the last couple of years I have been regaining it, but not until lately have a really felt as if I have freedom to be me. Some of this I completely realize was imposed by me. I thrive off of perfectionism and being the best I can be. In doses that is great... although often it isnt in small doses. This is a fault. It can look good on the outside, but on the inside it can drive you up a wall. The small things that i cant seem to let go of. I have to be perfect. the sad reality is no one is perfect. That doesnt always matter though... I have to be perfect. Am I alone? I highly doubt I am. I believe matt has really helped me realize how I do not have to be perfect. I can have a bad day and not be equaled to a drama queen. I do not have o feel guilty if I am not always happy. It is ok to be sad, angry, or upset. Whoever tells you these things? I hoenstly believe churches do not know how to deal with pain and hurt very well. They think they do, but when it happens we often put a lid on it, tie it up with a few pretty verses and then send it off like it never happened. This is not reality. Life is messy and not perfect. Freedom comes when you realize you are who you are and that is ok. Now yes I still thrive off of perfection and love to do the best. Yet, it is ok if I dont. It is ok if i relax instead of doing that homework that isnt due for another month. Mybe I am the only one this driven, but I hghly doubt it.

Ladies.... there is freedom.... there is peace... there is joy! It sounds weird, but I love the verse where it talks about taste and see that the Lord is good. I feel like I've een bypassing the tasting and seeing part. I've been on a race and diet (Arent we all?lol) and yes I was there and yes I was reading my Bible and all, but there is such a difference in tasting and seeing that the Lord is good than just skimming so that we can get on to the next thing. Taste it. See it. Abide in it. I imagine a kid playing in a fountain. Such pure joy. That really has nothing to do with those verses except being in it... feeling it... enjoying it... lavishing in it... Oh how beautiful.

Some days I get to the end of day and wonder if anything I did mattered. I run 100 miles per hour and barely stop to really enjoy life. This is my passion as of lately... Stop and smell the flowers... Enjoy life and the freedom that is found in Christ!

JEN