When I was 6, someone that was supposed to be safe in a place that
was supposed to be safe, asked me if I wanted to kiss.
I said yes.
When I was 6, someone who was
supposed to be safe in a place that was supposed to be safe, touched me in
an inappropriate manner.
I said nothing.
I let it...because I liked it.
That sounds terrible, and it's
terrifying to write. But I must tell the truth.
It lasted I don't know how
long, a few times here and there. It ended when my father discovered it.
When I was older & could
consider it all, I sometimes thought- I'm messed up. I'm dirty.
Why am I telling the Internet
world this? Why am I telling you this?
Because I believe that vulnerability heals. In the
hidden, we shame ourselves, or let others shame us. We tell ourselves we're
unworthy, or let others tell us. Whispers, constant whispers in our souls,
telling us that our actions...our actions are more powerful than who we
are.
But is this true? No!
Actions may often speak louder than words, but nothing speaks louder than the
essence within us. It shines, lovely, whether you see it or not. Don't hide it
with shame, guilt, self doubt, and regret.
Release. Forgive
yourself.
I am so blessed to have
a very conscious supportive mother. She did everything she
could to prevent me feeling those negative feelings. She told me that it was
natural that physical sensations should be pleasing. She encouraged me to speak
to her about everything then, and ever after, so that secrets and lies wouldn't
damage me.
I know not all girls are
so fortunate. My heart is with you, if you are one of the girls who has not
spoken out, who feels rejected or unworthy, or has no support. I encourage you
to speak your story, if you haven't, or be an open heart to hear stories. I
encourage you to be vulnerable, with yourself first, let yourself off the hook,
& keep yourself safe. It's scary to speak, but we are not as isolated as
our silence convinces us. If you have no idea what or where a safe space is, I
encourage you to seek out your local YWCA,
and investigate their services.
How did I release those
feelings? How do I, rather. It's a choice, sometimes daily, to forgive myself
(for any mistakes I make) and release myself. My journey began when I read Brene Brown's book, I thought it
was Just me (but it isn't) Telling the Truth about
Perfectionism, Inadequacy, and Power. Her book on shame was
transformative (she knows what she's talking about, 12 years research).
She explains that guilt
and shame are two very different things. Guilt is feeling bad because you've
done something perceived as bad. Shame is feeling that you are bad.
Which do you feel most, and why?
I've often read stories
by women who had no knowledge or regard for purity, for keeping love
unawakened. When they were older and felt the conviction of the path of purity,
they felt it was too late. These stories usually end in them realizing they
could have a beautiful marriage, and renew their hearts and minds, even though
they made mistakes.
What of us who had
hardly a chance to remain physically pure? What of us who had our love awakened
with complete unawareness? Are we impure?
It pains me to think
anyone would think so!!
It doesn't matter how
physically pure you are, if your spirit, your soul, your self is pure. And I
believe that each of you young ladies reading this blog have a purity and
innocence within that no one can take away.
Don't let your mistakes
or what others have done to you shut you down. You are beautiful and powerful
beyond comprehension! Use the power of rebirth to transform yourself. Kill
those unhealthy ways of thinking (this is where feelings start), kill your
guilt, shame, regret. Set them on fire. From the ashes, recreate something
magnificently moving. You can do it.
For you literal folks-
get a sheet of paper, write everything you think and feel that's holding you
back from embracing your purity, and safely burn it. Or flush it down the
toilet. After ripping it into as many pieces as possible!!! :)
You may shed tears. It
will hurt. It's scary. But who you are is oh so much
more powerful than your circumstances and feelings!!
with love <3
Katherine is a
teenage entrepreneur, rebelutionary, & photographer. Refining her life
with authenticity & inspiration, she writes Observations on Becoming.
She lives in Pennsylvania with her role model parents, genius brother, &
divinely demented dogs. Some of her favored entertainments &
aspirations are learning Spanish & Hebrew, loving on the piano,
psychological astrology, foreign accents, connecting
with beautiful souls, salsa & belly dancing, & writing. She's
passionate about personifying the power of the Phoenix.
