I grew up in a Christian home. I learned the word of God from the time I was in the highchair. I went to church every time the doors were open and my Daddy was a pastor. To most who knew me, I have an amazing life; but if they had really known me they would have seen pain. My Mom and I have never had a close relationship, she's always been verbally abusive and sometimes physically. I've hit her too and that saddens my heart. I grew up lonely because I was the weird one that nobody really wanted to be friends with. I was overweight and I had ADHD so I was hyper-and just a little weird. I tried hard to make friends but it didn't happen. I held a lot of pain and anger and frustration inside of me. I've never had a good self image of myself and I've always believed I am ugly and fat, this insecurity is from Satan and the pits of hell themselves. I now know who I am in Christ-Psalm 139. All of that insecurity led me on a journey through pain to find love, but I was looking in all of the wrong places. I hated myself for the way people treated me, thought something was wrong with me. I held all of that in. In high school I was the "good girl", I was in church, made good grades, was involved in clubs and did everything right. I was liked by most adults that got to know me, but they didn't know the real me. The me that felt so unloved and so unwanted that she cut her wrists to make the pain in her heart go away for awhile. The me that often dreamed of suicide and planned it all out and even wrote out an obituary. The me that experimented with drugs at 16 years old. After I graduated high school, I was still searching for love. I met a man who was 6 years older than me and I married him after dating him only 6 weeks. It was an awful marriage, he beat on me often. We divorced after 4 months. I was depressed and started to not care. I started to party and do things that were not me. I got real drunk one night and was taken advantage of. After that night, I didn't care at all. I slept with guys I didn't care for, and that hurt my heart even more. I started to use drugs real heavy. By the time I was 19 I was an addict, and I wanted to die. I got to the point where I found some pills in a garbage can and I took them-not knowing what they were. I went to nigh clubs to get male attention and it was there I was introduced to cocaine. Cocaine made me feel invincable like I could do anything and be somebody. I got so low that I prayed to God that he would just take me. It was then that God placed people in my life to teach me things and bring me back to him. I had nowhere to live and so my grandparents took me in. I got back in church and then things started to change. I went to a christian drug rehab and things started getting even better. I'm not perfect I still make mistakes, I'm 6 months pregnant with twins. I am dealing with a lot of shame from this because I know that having sex outside of marriage is wrong, but God is working in me. God has brought me from death to life-literally. I was just existing, but now I'm truly alive through him. Jeremiah 29:11 is a promise from God that I dearly cling to.... it says "For I know that plans I have for you declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." I was severely lacking hope. God has shown me that I am his princess, his love and his daughter. He's forgotten who I was and is preparing me for I am to be. He has big plans for me and I'm so excited to see what He'll do. He's brought me out of drug addiction. He's brought me out of depression, he's given me hope and promises of a future. Above all God has shown me love-true love. The love that I had been searching for my whole life. I am happy now and I couldn't say that before. If you give God your heart-all of it.... you'll be amazed by the transformation to your heart. I am striving daily to live for him the best that I can.